Fatwa: # 45488
Category: Jurisprudence and Rulings...
Country:
Date: 15th September 2020

Title

The consequences of an affair

Question

I have had an affair for 2.5 years with a married man. I am 24, he is 48. He has been married for nearly 20 years. He says there has been talk of divorce for nearly the entire marriage. He says he stays mostly for security and comfort. When we began our relationship, he told me he was divorcing and it was clear that it was over. I lost my virginity to him. A week after we consummated our relationship, I found out from his wife that he was telling her a completely different story than he was telling me. He never made it clear to her that it was over, they were still intimate (which he told me wasn’t happening and lied when I asked), and he was telling her he wants to be a better husband to her and doesn’t want to lose her. This was at the 3 week mark of our relationship. I chose to stay 2.4 years after that despite what I knew. I always had hope that we can somehow be together. I believe he is a good person and wants to do the right thing. We both want to be honest about our relationship and move forward from this mess in the most aligned with god way. I was more of a Ramadan Muslim when I met him. This situation broke me down and brought me closer to god. He was not a Muslim for most of that time, but recently is saying he is Muslim. I regret to admit I have been with him in their house, in their workspace, on vacation with him while his wife has not known of it. His wife has come to me seeking the truth multiple times and I lied to her. We often told her we were just friends and sometimes he would advise me to tell her she has nothing to worry about in regards to us. She knows about me to some degree, however she never received the full truth from either of us. She has no idea how much time we’ve spent together behind her back sneaking around or that we’ve been physical for the past 2.5 years. She knows he is in love with me, but still says she still has hope and is willing to work on their marriage and did not want a divorce. He says he doesn’t want to lose everything they have together for nothing Currently, they are taking a break and “working on themselves”. They will make a decision about whether or not they want to divorce at the end of the summer Is it permissible that I marry him and he leave his wife for me? I have seen the Quran address adultery and fornication, but it is hard to know what to do with this tangled web we’ve woven of lies and deceit and love. I would like to hear the scholarly opinion of what I should do and how I can best rectify my relationship with Allah. for I have grown in this time and I do not wish to start a life together or bring children into this world with fear for our hereafter. I seek advice for how to bring my own life in the best direction and what is the best thing to do concerning them as they are currently postponing making a decision about divorcing for the summer. I know he is waiting on me and if I said yes to marrying him he would divorce his wife.

Answer

In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.

As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.

Sister in Islam,

We commend you on your courage to reach out and seek help in such circumstances.

Indeed, adultery and fornication are grave sins and will be burdensome on the day of Judgement. Furthermore, one will also be responsible for the grief and anguish caused to the other spouse should such a sin come to light.

It is a good sign that you realised the error of your ways as you now wish to repent and make up for your wayward past. It is never too late to turn back to Almighty Allah. His doors are always open, and He is waiting for His slaves to turn back to Him in repentance. We advise you to make sincere Tawbah from your past and aim to live your future life in full conformity with the Shari’ah.

Sister in Islam,

This individual made promises to you but did not keep them. He claimed to love you but still stayed with his wife, deceiving both of you. Ask yourself this, how much trust would you, as a wife, have in such a husband, if you were to marry him? Would you be prepared to live your entire life with him? If he cheated on his wife once despite proclamations of love, what will stop him from doing it again?

Yes, we understand that people can change, and we pray that Almighty Allah guides him to the truth. But, keeping your own future in mind, would you deem it better to make him divorce his first wife and marry you, not knowing what his future conduct will be? Or, would it be better to repent, move on with your life and seek fulfilment elsewhere? This would also mean that the first marriage would not break apart if his wife opts to reconcile.

Sister in Islam,

Our advice is that you distance yourself from this individual and keep away from him and his family. Start your own life anew and Insha-Allah, there will be good in it for you. Turn to Almighty Allah and seek His help. He is the one who brought you to the doors of repentance, now be rest assured, He will not abandon you.

 

And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best

Bilal Yusuf Pandor

Student Darul Iftaa

Lusaka, Zambia

Checked and Approved by,
Mufti Ebrahim Desai

 

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