Fatwa: # 28061
Category: Psychological and Social
Country: Netherlands
Date: 15th January 2014

Title

I have an endless problems with my in-laws. Should I be cordial with them while keeping a distance?

Question

I have endless problems with my in laws.  Few years ago I married my aunt’s daughter. Before we got married, my relationship with my aunt and uncle was a really close one. But ever since we got married my father in law has always been funny with me, and my mother in law too, more often than not.

I am trying to be a better Muslim, but I’m always put down by them. They always say im extreme and I think I know everything. They even go around telling other family members that I am a bad and disrespectful son to my mother, which I am trying so hard to change.

Every time we visited there was some or other issue. They treat me like im non-existent.  I can’t bring myself to going to stay with them. My wife can stay with her parents and I’ll stay elsewhere for the sole reason that I fear I may make it worse as I feel like I can’t take the unfair treatment anymore. It also puts alot of strain on my marriage but my wife understands the situation.

I have come to the resolve that I will definitely still be cordial, kind and most definitely respectful. But wont stay there again, rather with another family member whilst my wife will stay with her parents. 

Answer

In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.

As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa rahmatullāhi wa barakātuh.

Respected brother,

We commend you for your patience and the cordial relationship you have maintained despite mistreatment from your in-laws. The treatment you have experienced from them is indeed unfortunate.

You must however consider whether keeping a distance from them will exacerbate the situation further or make things better. As you have noted, your wife understands the situation, so it might be prudent to discuss with her and seek her advice on what would be the most appropriate course of action. She knows better about her parents.

Regarding forsaking a fellow Muslim, Rasūlullāh (sallAllāhu ‘alayhi wasallam) said:

لا يحل لمسلم أن يهجر أخاه فوق ثلاث

“It is not permissible for a Muslim to forsake his (Muslim) brother for more than 3 days.” (Bukhārī and Muslim).

However, this is on condition that keeping a connection with them will not lead to further ill-feeling or harm. Imām al-Suyūtī commented on this narration:

ومن خاف من مكالمة أحد وصلته ما يفسد على الدين أو يدخل مضرة في دنياه يجوز له مجانبته والبعد عنه، ورب هجر حسن خير من مخالطة مؤذية

“The one who fears that by talking to someone and keeping ties with him it will cause disturbance in his religion or cause harm in his worldly life, it is permissible for him to avoid him. Often a good-intentioned distance is better than a harmful interaction.”[1]

Hence, you must consider, with the advice of those you trust, whether staying with your in-laws during your visit or staying elsewhere will be the most favorable course of action in your situation, and act accordingly.

In making a decision, be conscious of the share of your nafs and guard against your nafs.

 

 

Allāh says:

إن النفس لأمارة بالسوء

“Verily, the nafs incites to evil.” (Qur’ān, 12:53)

 

Fear Allāh and make an Allāh-conscious decision.

 

And Allah Ta‘ālā Knows Best

Zameelur Rahman

Student Darul Iftaa
UK

Checked and Approved by,
Mufti Ebrahim Desai.

www.daruliftaa.net

 



[1] بذل المجوود نقلا عن السيوطي، دار الكتب العلمية، ج١٩ ص١٥٢

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