Category: Marriage
Fatwa#: 24646
Asked Country: United States

Answered Date: Feb 28,2013

Title: Which boy should I marry?

Question

There is a man that I was suppose to marry. He is a good man prays 5 times a day and treats me good. I accepted his proposal for marriage at first and allowed him to come with his family to my house to ask for my hand in marriage. That night after they left I got cold feet and called him and told him I could not go through with it. He was very hurt. I am hurt as well for bringing this family all the way to my home and telling them yes I will accept the proposal but then get scared and change my mind. My only worry with him was his financial stability. He did not have a job at the time being but promised me we would not struggle and he would get his work together. His financial stability and not having a degree was also my mothers concern. She told me that I would not have the life I have now which is Alhumdulilah comfortable. It's been a few days since I've said no and sent these people back across the country. I broke this good mans trust, but now part of me regrets it. I wish I would have went through with it. I prayed isthikhara many times before saying yes the first time and I always did have a bit doubt. But knew he was a good Muslim. Then there is another man who is settled down educated and a good person as well. He is like me we pray but not 5 times a day but he is into islam and willing to become a better Muslim. I know he loves me dearly and heard about my situation and is ready to come with his parents for my hand as well. But I can't seem to go with this either. My feelings are still attached to the first man. I don't really have feelings for the second man but I know he will do anything to keep me happy and I know my family would like him as well because he has a degree and job. I'm just very confused. I can't seem to make a decision. Should I call the first man back and beg him to take me back or close my eyes and go for the second man who would even move to my state so I can be close to my family. I know the second is the safer choice but I am more attracted to and have attached myself already to the first man. Also, about a couple months ago while I was about to meet up with the first man at the mall. As I walk out the bathroom a psychic lady comes up to me and tells me I have a strong energy and that the first guy that I was seeing was not the one for me and that in the future I would break it off. I did not believe her and continued talking to him and in the end what she said came true. After Fajr this morning I had a dream that the first man got into an accident and ended up in the hospital. In the dream I flew to his state to be with him. I don't know if this is a sign that I should go back to him. But I know I broke his trust and it would be hard for him and his family to accept me. I know I brought shame to my family and his and it would be hard for them to look at me the same. My family tells me it's qismat/naseeb. If I was meant to be with the first guy then nothing would have stopped it and I wouldn't have had doubts. But I had doubts cuz my family kept telling me he has nothing and I won't be able to handle the lifestyle especially living in another state away from my family. The second guy keeps calling me and telling me he will be with me and I know my mom wants me to go for him but my heart is not really in it. But Allah did bring him in the picture and I did call him the night I ended things to see if he would be with me because my sister told me to do so. I know he is the safe choice and the he loves me dearly and will do anything for me. That is every girls dream to have a guy like that, but why is my heart not in it? I know my heart was not fully in the first one but that was because I know he's more religious than me and he is not financially stable. But now part of me regrets it and misses him. It's only been 3 days since I ended the proposal and party. So my family is telling me I regret it because of guilt for putting him and his family through trouble of flying over and already telling them yes I will marry him. I prayed so much and I'm so confused. The second guy is waiting on me but I have no feelings there but friendship. The first guy I even said qabul hai 3 times on the phone to him when he asked me to marry him. I am attached to him and don't feel like I can move on. My family wants me to rush and just marry the second guy. But it's so fast. I don't want to hurt anyone anymore. Who do I go for? The first guy is so forgiving and told me he wishes I went through with everything but he does not have any ill feelings towards me and he still loves me but I broke his trust. Allah only knows if him and his family would take me back. It is embarrassing for me and my family to run back to him as well. My family said to let it go and that it wasn't meant to be. But part of me can't let go. Which man do I choose? Both are good muslim men and love me. The second has the financial security and the first has a stronger deen than the second one. I just don't know what to do anymore. Please help me decide.

Answer

In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.

 

As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.

 

Sister,

 

You and the boy (first person) have agreed to marry. Then you told him to come home to ask your hand in marriage. What is the point of the boy and his family coming home and asking your hand in marriage when you already agreed to marry him? The procedure adopted by you is incorrect. The boy should come home to ask your hand in marriage. Thereafter you in consultation with your family and making istikhara should decide. In this way, you would maintain your dignity and the boy would not feel let down. You should consider this in future.

 

You state that you made istikhara and you were not entirely sure. You had doubts. If that person was good for you, you would not have doubts in you, especially after making istikhara many times. The doubts and reservations are an indication that the istikhara was negative. Make shukr to Allah Ta’ala that He saved you from someone who may not be good for you. There are many hidden things only Allah knows. The feelings you have for the person will fade away over time. You should concentrate on the second person and make istikhara. Do not repeat the mistake you made the first time. Be careful and tread cautiously.

 

And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best


Mufti Ebrahim Desai Saheb

 

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