i was wondering if i could get some advice. I am 25 and married for the second time. my first marriage was for 8 years and broke down due to my husband not working for almost 2 years of the marriage and becoming abusive in the relationship. i then remarried, to a partner of my own choice. i feel like the same things are happing over again. MY husband can be very lovely when he wants, but he gets very angry with me easily and accuses me of talking to non mehrams and is constantly suspicious of, even though i would and have never done that before. he swears at me and calls me filthy names and i just listen and dont say anything back. i keep thinking if i am patient he will change. but i feel like i was miserable before and now i am miserable again? i know i can be a good wife but my husband is not giving me a chance, everything i do is not good enough. he constantly wants to know where i am and what i am doing and accuses me of having relationships before marriage with other men, which is not true. i pretend to everyone i am happy when inside i am feeling desperately sad and lonely
i feel like i would much rather be single than married as my experience has not been very good. maybe its my fault that they treat me this way and i should be more assertive. could you please give me some advice as to what i should do? should i remain silent and patient? or should i answer back? or should i walk away from this situation?
i really hate my life at the moment. i feel so bad for feeling this way because i know i should be grateful to Allah SWT. i just feel suffocated and trapped. i just want my husband to not get angry and treat me this way. please make dua he changes or i become more tolerant of his behaviour.
In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.
As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.
A marriage supposed to bring you peace and comfort, not grief and agony. If you are feeling miserable in your marriage, there is no point in you pretending to be happy. Why should you feel suffocated and trapped? This is not normal in a happy marriage.
You are probably bearing the abuse as this is your second marriage and fear what people will say if this marriage does not work out.
That should never be your concern. You happiness and comfort should be of concern to you. Do not allow your husband to be abusive. Be assertive and tell him you do not appreciate the way he treats you. While we encourage Sabr and patience in a marriage, this should not be taken as license for abuse. Adopt all diplomatic and dignified ways to inform and correct your husband. He should not feel you are afraid due to being in a second marriage. If he does not change or matters get worse and you cannot make Sabr, then you do not have to subject yourself to oppression. Let your husband know that you are not going to tolerate his un Islamic behavior and you will consider moving on with your life without him. Do take stock of your actions and in your decision be conscious of Allah.
And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best
Mufti Ebrahim Desai.