As-salaam mu Alaikum, Brother I need to seek advice about my husband as I am too scared and ashamed to ask anyone as I don't want people to know my family business. My problem is that I have been married for over 13 years with two lovely kids one of whom is constantly in hospital (in intensive care) but my husband just does not support us or show us he cares or bothers. Whenever I need him his excuses are he is at work. But whenever his sisters or their husband or kids need him, he somehow manages to leave work to be there. He even leaves work to attend weddings with them and many dinner invitation. But if he so much as spends 1hr with us or £1 he can't stop giving me full account of it. I'm tired of all this. It's come to the point I'm thinking maybe his family has done black magic on him as there are a many members and majority of them are divorced as the outsiders like me cannot take the pain. He talks to them, he gives them his money he doesn't even leave a single penny with me., I have to write notes to talk to him, he refuses to talk to me, every year we get as much as 3 months of talks and the rest goes without. However I don't distress or nag but leave him to it. But his family stresses and uses and abuses him but he goes back for more every time. Whenever he wants to go out without us he plans on having an argument with me so that his excuse would be "I'm not talking to her". His sisters don't even give him any food even if he is hungry he comes home to eat cos they would abuse him for eating. But they don't mind using him for their own benefit. I just don't get a look in. My children are both losing out. His money his whereabouts his sisters know more then me. I know nothing. Their families are always fighting backbiting with each other. The other brothers holds onto their immediate families, but my husband just doesn't care. Even with my child in hospital he tells me to leave her there and come home and cook for him. The things he says and does being my back really hurts me. Please advice me. Iv been so stressed and patient but now I cannot afford my children to see anymore of his behaviour as I don't want my children to learn this about us.
In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.
As-salāmu ʿalaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.
It is part of nature to feel ashamed of informing others of the difficulties we face. However, if the problem we are facing deserves attention and we are unable to overcome our problems on our own, we should overcome this feeling of shame and relate them to a close family member, close friend or a person who would be willing to assist us. People who are close to us or who are learned and pious would sympathise with us rather than making us feel ashamed when we are experiencing hardship.
If your husband is shirking his responsibilities to you and your children and after a considerable effort you have failed in trying to make him understand what he is doing, you should involve a third party in your predicament. By doing so, you will not only be helping yourself and your children, but you would also be helping your husband to change his ways and be a better person.
Therefore, our advice is that you should firstly continue to seek the assistance of Allah Taʿālā and communicate to your husband to the best of your ability how you feel about his actions and how much you would want him to do what is correct by giving attention to you and your children. You should not only complain to him about how he is not fulfilling his duties to his immediate family, but rather ask him the reason why he is not showing much care about them. Focus on engaging him to understand for himself what difficulty he is causing you and his children and helping him to overcome his indifference to his immediate family. Remind him that a family is built on love and care amongst its members and that his children are his best asset.
If you see a slight change in him, then you should continue to strengthen his bond with you and your children until he eventually shows enough care for you and your children.
However, if after repeated attempts you do not see the slightest change in him, you should explain your situation to a senior family member of yours who you are sure will assist you in speaking to your husband about all that has been mentioned above. If you do not know of a senior person in your family who is able to do this for you, you should contact a respectable, pious ʿĀalim in your area who would be willing to help you. Request the ʿĀalim to have a discussion with your husband to try to solve the problem. You would have to explain your problem in detail to the senior family member or ʿĀalim for them to effectively deal with it.
With all attempts, you should not forget that Allah Taʿālā has control over every person and over everything. Ease from difficulty comes only from Him and He is the only One who can solve your problems. Therefore, you should continue to endure patience in the tribulations you are facing and constantly supplicate to Allah Taʿālā to change your family’s conditions, grant your child cure and grant your husband the divine ability to show care for you and your children.
And Allah Ta’ālā Knows Best
Azaadville, South Africa
Student Darul Iftaa
Checked and Approved by
Mufti Ebrahim Desai.