Fatwa: # 19565
Category: Character & Morals
Country: Pakistan
Date: 10th November 2011

Title

How do I fulfill my mother’s rights as well as my wife’s?

Question

Assalamualaikum. Yesterday I had a fight with my wife because she tries to control my communication with my parents.  She told me not to give my cell number to my parents so that they should not contact me.  Only I can call them. She says my mother always asks for money.  In addition, I am not doing so well financially (I have been married for 8 months without children). My rent is paid by my uncle as I cannot afford it right now.  The same uncle is also supporting my parents.

My mother is in Pakistan and my father is in the USA working and sends whatever he can to my mother.  However the amount my father gives is not sufficient for my mother. 

When my wife and I fought, she told me to leave her and exit the house, as the rent is being paid by my uncle who also happens to be her uncle.  To avoid further chaos, I agree not to give my cell number to my mother.  She further said that I must contact my parents only once a week to which I complied.  However I secretly continued to contact my parents.  I also gave them my cell phone number.  I also frequently send her from my earnings.  Yesterday my wife found out resulting in another commotion. 

Furthermore, I am not able to consult my elders regarding my mother since they have a grudge against her because of an incident in the past.  So my question is in this situation what should I do in reference to Quran and Sunnah.  Because I believe my parents’ rights exceed my wife’s rights.

Also, my wife is not having physical relation with me.  When I feel the urge to fulfill my desires, I compassionately approach her.  However she disregards all of this leaving me with a lot of pain.  Please suggest to me in the light of Quran and Sunnah. Should I continue with this relationship or not?

Answer

In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.

As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.

Allāh Taālā has control over everything and all situations.  The conditions of the hearts are governed by the order and will of Almighty Allāh.  Before the Hijrah (migration) of Nabī Sallallāhu Alaihi Wa Sallam to Medinah, the two clans, Aws and Khazraj had hatred for each other and resentment in their hearts.  However after the migration of Nabī Sallallāhu Alaihi Wa Sallam, Allah Taālā caused a river of love to flow from within their hearts.  Allāh Taālā makes mention of this in the Glorious Qurān:

“And He united their hearts.  Had you spent all that is on earth, you would have not united their hearts.  But Allāh did unite their hearts.” (Qurān 8/63)

 Furthermore Rasūlullāh Sallallāhu Alaihi Wa Sallam is reported to have said:

“Allāh Taālā changes the condition of the hearts however He wills”[1]

(Sunan At-Tirmidhi, Vol. 4, page 448: Shirkah Maktebeh Wa Matba’h Mustafā Al-Bābī Al- Halabī)

Hence, start by turning to Allāh Taālā and beg Him to fill your heart and your wife’s heart with love for each other and ask Allāh to clean your wife’s heart with regards to your mother.

Islam emphasizes that the rights of each individual be fulfilled. It is necessary for you to support your mother and your wife.  Balancing out between the two is a challenge that you have to overcome.  Giving preference to one and leaving the other is an act of injustice.

Communication is an important ingredient towards mutual cooperation.  Many a times, because of lack of communication, misunderstandings take place.  Therefore with love and affection find out from your wife what is disturbing her, and try to resolve the issue.  At the same time, let her know how you feel with regards to your mother.  If the need arises, have a third person, a scholar of Dīn or an experienced individual speak to both of you so that you may come to an agreement.

You have mentioned that you have been married for only eight months.  It is commonly known that it takes time getting accustomed to a new experience.  Inshā Allāh, gradually the differences that exist will be resolved. Being the husband, it is your duty to win over your wife’s heart.  Hearts are won over by way of kindness, sympathy, and consideration.  Allāh Taālā states in the Glorious Qurān:

“Repel (evil) with what is best, and you will see the one you had mutual enmity with him will turn as if he were a close friend” (Qurān 41/34)

Kindness should not only be portrayed on selfish grounds at times when a need has to be fulfilled, but should be merged into the lives.  Try to help out in household chores as this was the Sunnah and way of our beloved Nabī Sallallāhu Alaihi Wa Sallam.  Each and every Sunnah of Nabī  Sallallāhu Alaihi Wa Sallam has the power to better our conditions.

Lastly, build an Islāmic environment in your home.  Try to stipulate a time wherein you and your wife can sit together and read a few Ahādīth of Rasūlullāh Sallallāhu Alai Wa Sallam.  Consider reading “Fadhāil Al-A’māl” a book wherein the Ahādīth of virtues have been compiled.  This will bring peace and tranquility in your house.  Rasūllāh Sallallāhu Alaihi Wa Sallam has said:

“Whenever any group of people sit and remember Allāh Taālā, angels surround them, the mercy of Allāh envelopes them, peace and tranquility descends upon them, and Allāh makes mention of them to the angels.”[2] (Muslim, Vol. 4, page 2074: Dār Ihyā At-Turāth Al-ārabī)

And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best

Mawlana Abdul Azeem bin Abdur Rahman,
Student Darul Iftaa
US

 

Checked and Approved by,
Mufti Husain Kadodia
www.daruliftaa.net



[1]  حَدَّثَنَا هَنَّادٌ قَالَ: حَدَّثَنَا أَبُو مُعَاوِيَةَ، عَنْ الأَعْمَشِ، عَنْ أَبِي سُفْيَانَ، عَنْ أَنَسٍ قَالَ: كَانَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ يُكْثِرُ أَنْ يَقُولَ: «يَا مُقَلِّبَ القُلُوبِ ثَبِّتْ قَلْبِي عَلَى دِينِكَ» ، فَقُلْتُ: يَا رَسُولَ اللَّهِ، آمَنَّا بِكَ وَبِمَا [ص:449] جِئْتَ بِهِ فَهَلْ تَخَافُ عَلَيْنَا؟ قَالَ: «نَعَمْ، إِنَّ القُلُوبَ بَيْنَ أُصْبُعَيْنِ مِنْ أَصَابِعِ اللَّهِ يُقَلِّبُهَا كَيْفَ يَشَاءُ» : وَفِي الْبَابِ عَنْ النَّوَّاسِ بْنِ سَمْعَانَ، وَأُمِّ سَلَمَةَ، وَعَبْدِ اللَّهِ بْنِ عَمْرٍو، وَعَائِشَةَ، وَأَبِي ذَرٍّ وَهَذَا حَدِيثٌ حَسَنٌ وَهَكَذَا رَوَى غَيْرُ وَاحِدٍ، عَنِ الأَعْمَشِ، عَنْ أَبِي سُفْيَانَ، عَنْ أَنَسٍ، وَرَوَى بَعْضُهُمْ عَنِ الأَعْمَشِ، عَنْ أَبِي سُفْيَانَ، عَنْ جَابِرٍ، عَنِ النَّبِيِّ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ وَحَدِيثُ أَبِي سُفْيَانَ عَنْ أَنَسٍ أَصَحُّ (سنن الترمذي, ج 4, ص 448: شركة مكتبة ومطبعة مصطفى البابي الحلبي – مصر)

 

[2]  حَدَّثَنَا مُحَمَّدُ بْنُ الْمُثَنَّى، وَابْنُ بَشَّارٍ، قَالَا: حَدَّثَنَا مُحَمَّدُ بْنُ جَعْفَرٍ، حَدَّثَنَا شُعْبَةُ، سَمِعْتُ أَبَا إِسْحَاقَ، يُحَدِّثُ عَنِ الْأَغَرِّ أَبِي مُسْلِمٍ، أَنَّهُ قَالَ: أَشْهَدُ عَلَى أَبِي هُرَيْرَةَ وَأَبِي سَعِيدٍ الْخُدْرِيِّ أَنَّهُمَا شَهِدَا عَلَى النَّبِيِّ صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ أَنَّهُ قَالَ: «لَا يَقْعُدُ قَوْمٌ يَذْكُرُونَ اللهَ عَزَّ وَجَلَّ إِلَّا حَفَّتْهُمُ الْمَلَائِكَةُ، وَغَشِيَتْهُمُ الرَّحْمَةُ، وَنَزَلَتْ عَلَيْهِمِ السَّكِينَةُ، وَذَكَرَهُمُ اللهُ فِيمَنْ عِنْدَهُ» (صحيح المسلم, ج 4, ص 2074: دار إحياء التراث العربي – بيروت)

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