Fatwa: # 18607
Category: Character & Morals
Country: India
Date: 22nd April 2010

Title

Being the eldest son after my dad passed away i try to control my sister who is always doing wrong

Question

my father past away 3 years ago and being elder son i have all the responsibility to talkcare of my 2sisters and 2 brothers and my mum ..1 of my sister is married as my 2nd sister who is already 27years old but she refuses to get marry because she is in to some bad habits ,,from last 5 to 6 years she has been talking on phone with mans and enjoy talking to friends and mens ,,,as my mum and i believe strongly in islam so we always ask her to stop it but she always argue withmy mum as say bad things to us if we try to stop her, i tried to be harsh with her for this(like hitting my sister or talking the phone from her) but my mum stops me from doing this bcos my mum want me to be nice and kind to my sister then she will come right ,,,,but it doesnt seem to work any more,,,we all cant make her get marry pls advice as i cant see any way , what should i be doing by shairia law in this matter pls advice as everyday is a challange for me ....

Answer

In the name of Allāh, Most Gracious, Most Merciful

Assalāmu ῾alaykum wa Rahmatullāhi Wabarakātuh

 

Your concern for your responsibility after your father's death is commendable. Your being worried about your sister is also a great blessing of Allah and may Allah reward you greatly.

 

At the same time, keep in mind that being so harsh on your sister (like hitting her) will not bring around the change you are hoping to achieve. You mother is right about that, and you should follow her advice.

 

Allah says in the Quran: “So, it is through mercy from Allah that you are gentle to them. Had you been rough and hard-hearted, they would have dispersed from around you. So pardon them and seek forgiveness from them...” (Surah Aal-Imraan, Chaper 3, Verse 159). In inviting to Allah, the commentators of the Quran say that harshness in conduct or language is sheer poison for dawah and reform efforts.

 

So it is important that you do not get frustrated or angry when your sister speaks ill of you. You may let her know that what she says hurts you. You should also advise her that we should speak respectfully with family members, especially elders and older siblings - but do not retaliate with similar remarks, otherwise you would be guilty of the same.

 

At the same time, you should not stop your efforts to make her realize the grave sin she is involved in. To temper your anger and harshness, memorize and frequently make the following dua:

اللهم اني أعوذبك من منكرات الأخلاق والأعمال 

(Transliteration: Allahumma inni aouzubika min munkaraatil akhlaaqi wal a'maal)

(Translation: O my Allah, I seek refuge in you from despicable character and actions)

 

Remember that the Prophet (sallallaahu alaihi wa sallam) has innumerable great qualities in him, but the one that Allah chose to identify specifically was: “And you are surely on an exalted quality of character” (Surah Nun (Chapter 68, Verse 3).

 

The same was expected of his followers. When the companion, Muadh ibn Jabal was leaving for Yemen after being appointed as governor, the Prophet (sallallaahu alaihi wa sallam) advised him: “O Mua'dh display your best character with people.”

 

You being the male head of the household are in a leadership position, if you do not display good character, tolerance and patience in trying to make your sister understand, then she will become more aggravated and more involved in the wrongful activities she is currently in.

 

Continue to use practical ways of explaining to her, do not despair or give up. For example, would she prefer being a tool to be used and disposed of by men who see her only as an object, or would she prefer being an honorable companion united in nikah to a committed and caring husband.

 

References:

Maariful Quran, Volume 8, pg 553 (English Edition)

Maarful Quran, Volume 3, pgs 225-226 (English Edition)

Misali Ustaadh, Part 1, pg. 47 (Urdu Edition)

 

 

And Allāh Ta῾āla Knows Best 

 Ml. Sohail Bengali

Correspondence Iftā Student, US.

Checked and Approved by:
Mufti Ebrahim Desai
Dārul Iftāa

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