Fatwa: # 18530
Category: Character & Morals
Country: South Africa
Date: 1st March 2010

Title

I've been married for just over a year now and living with my in-laws as my husband doesn't want to leave them. So i have been trying to adjust in the family, everything is ....

Question

 

 

I've been married for just over a year now and living with my in-laws as my husband doesn't want to leave them. So i have been trying to adjust in the family, everything is fine i have been trying to fulfil my duty's towards my in-laws but still they seem to have a problem. Basically my mother-in-law rules the house, even my father-in-law doesn't have a say. Since day 1 she had a problem with me, we've had many fights and arguements and i always forgot about for the sake of peace but that has leaded her to think that she can rule me aswell like she has been doing with everybody. It has gone so far that she had the chance to accuse me of not doing anything, of taking her son away from her, making her son avoid her, i've been spending money on myself and on my side, she blames me for everything, she even used horrible words to swear at me which included my mother (who past away). She has insulted me in many ways, hurted my self-respect, pointed finger at my dignity and really torturing me. She always taunting me and its effecting my mental health and also my relationship with my husband. He's stuck aswell, he does understand but stuck between his wife and mother and doesn't know what to do. She is also stirring up in fathers house because she knows i have no back-up or anyone to support me, i'm left alone and want to stand up for my self, but also want to bear in mind that whatever i do it has to be right in the way of islam. I belive in Allah that he will help me and support me but still stuck in a dilemma. You every problem they had with me i tried following it but it still makes no difference...
Please give me some advice.

Answer

 

In the name of Allāh, Most Gracious, Most Merciful


Assalāmu ῾alaykum wa Rahmatullāhi Wabarakātuh

 

Jazakillah khayr for writing to us.

Please allow me to suggest that you have a heart to heart chat with your husband regarding your needs as his wife.

He has married you and brought you into his home.

His mum did know that he was marrying you.

I assume that she was part of the arrangement in bringing two families together

It is pointless saying that you have taken her son away from her as she also got married to somebody’s son a long time ago.

 

There are several issues here and one needs to look at it from those angles.

I have only your side of the issue but I would like to point out to you that it is not healthy for your own , your husband’s and his parents health to go on having problems on an ongoing basis.

Soon you will have children and then they will be affected also.

It is your father’s responsibility to intercede on your behalf and to help you to sort out the problems you are having.

 

If that does not work then I suggest that you and your husband approach the local imaam or a close family member who has influence over you as a couple and over your in laws also.

You cannot go on having problems indefinitely.

I also suggest that you try as far as possible to overlook some of her nasty comments and illogical statements.

You do know that you did not take her son away from her.

She is just feeling afraid and needs lots of attention.

Perhaps if you try to tell your husband that he should spend about half an hour everyday with her when he gets home it may just help to soften her.

Do also try to give her gifts now and then.

Look at the benefits it has for you rather than thinking, “It won’t help” or “why should I do it?”

Insha’Allah, her heart will soften and Allah Ta’ala will reward you for your kindness. Ameen.

 

Do also remember that Allah Ta’ala is fully aware of how the two of you treat each other.

If you both treat each other kindly, then both of you will earn Allah Ta’ala’s pleasure and secure your space in Jannah.

If both of you bad mouth each other and end up making gibbah, slander and treat each other like dirt,

Then that is the reward you both will earn.

It is a two way street.

I guess since you are younger, the old folk feel you have to give in.

So do so on your own terms, be creative  and see how you can win your husband over

By being overly kind to his mum.

At some stage she will decide that you are special or your husband will decide that he owes you better and move out.

He can still go on serving his parents and remain their son.

 

Arguing and responding in the same manner that she behaves is not going to help you.

Do also try to start taleem programmes in your house .

Make it a habit daily so that all of you are involved in reading Quran or Hadith to each other.

Increase your zikr, duas and give sadqa often. Do not forget your mother in law in your duas.

May Allah Ta’ala sow the seeds of love, understanding, patience and tolerance in the hearts of all the family members living together, ameen.

 

And Allāh Ta῾āla Knows Best
Wassalāmu ῾alaykum 

Social Dept.
Checked and Approved by:

Mufti Ebrahim Desai
Dārul Iftā

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